Friday, November 19, 2010

Lesson: Keepin' It Real

Have you ever noticed how different people can be depending on the company they're in? I remember my sweet sixteen party. It was a surprise party at our church pavilion, and my mom had put together the guest list. She did a fantastic job corralling all of my friends--youth group, adults from church, friends from orchestra, and my whole family. Even at the time it occurred to me the challenge this demographic presented.

I, like everyone, have several different sides to my personality. While not to the extent of schizophrenia (though sometimes I wonder), it can be a dramatic difference. These aspects come out when the situation demands it. But when those personalities are forced to collide in one place, it can be quite a reality check! With the adults at my church, I mostly talked about my family and my plans for college. With my youth group friends, it was the youth events and the latest Sunday School lesson. At orchestra, I talked about music, school, and the boy in the orchestra I was head over heels for. Trying to figure out what to talk about, how to behave, when all those different social groups were present was awkward.

Sometimes, though, the way we behave in our social circles affects us more negatively than just a little bit of awkwardness when the circles overlap. Sometimes the way we behave in one group or another becomes not just a facet of our personality, but a behavior untrue to ourselves and our values. When I spent time talking to certain groups of friends, I tried too hard to be as "cool" as they were. They were older, more worldly, and I envied the popular, exciting lives they had. But trying to be like them meant compromising a lot of the standards I had set for myself, in speech if not in deed. That was typical teenage peer pressure, but it happens at every age in every circle.

Now, I have a few distinct social groups. I have my Maryland family, my New York family, my church friends, and my work friends, plus the friends I talk to from back home. I've found myself having to be very careful how I behave with each. I don't want to be a different person in each group I'm with. I may talk about different subjects at worship practice than I do at work, but I should be just as real in one as in the other.

So how does my company affect how I talk about God? About my husband? My parents? Am I changing my convictions based on who is listening? I forget that there is one common listener to every conversation I have. He doesn't care whom I'm trying to impress or what people will think of me depending on what I say. His concern is that I stick to the teachings He gave and the values I believe in. He just wants me to be real--the real woman He designed me to be.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Lesson: Happyness

I watched the Will Smith movie "The Pursuit of Happyness" on late/early television tonight. It was the second time I had seen the movie, so I got to enjoy it a little more deeply. It's a brilliant, heartbreaking film. Plus, his kid is so adorable! As I watched the movie, I got the unavoidable guilt trip that I really have it better than I think I do. A roof, food, a strong family support system--all of these are things I take for granted sometimes, especially in the midst of a stressful time. But what especially struck me this time around was the quote at the very end of the movie.

"This part of my life, this little part... is called happiness."

I have some hard stuff happening in my life. Nothing compared to the man and his son in the movie, nothing compared to some of the people I know. Still, it's hard enough to cause me some stress, some tears, some sleepless nights (nights that the lack of sleep is not because I'm working, that is). But tonight I curled up with my husband in bed. He made me laugh. He kissed my cheek and stroked my hair. He fell asleep with my head on his shoulder and mumbled "I love you" when I got up and left for work. And this part of my life, this little part... is called happiness.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Lesson: The Plotline Problem

I've been writing ever since I can remember. Hidden somewhere in my boxes of books, next to textbooks and journals, are composition books filled with stories going as far back as three years old. Mommy took dictation as I told my stories and I went back later and illustrated with my markers and crayons. I may not have a very talented imagination, but it is very active nonetheless.

Naturally, an imagination like mine has affected in no small way how I view the world. I see life like a story. Did you ever read the Choose Your Own Adventure books? I've read almost every one of them, at least the ones that were available in my early teens. Life looks like that in my head, a string of plot elements tied together by the choices I, as the main character, make. I think that mindset is part of my problem solving process. I can make a clearer decision when I view it as a story that I'm writing, when I can separate myself from the situation.

Here's the problem: I cheated on the Choose Your Own Adventure books. I would keep my last five choices marked with a finger. It would have been more, but I needed the fingers on the other hand to turn the page! If one of my choices ended badly--in death, defeat, or the compromise of something I had to protect--I would flip to the last choice and try again. If that didn't work, it was back to the one before that. Eventually I would get the outcome I was looking for. Hooray for me!

Needless to say... real life does not work like that. The adventures I choose stick. The plot changes I make to the ongoing story in my head are not something I can go back and revise at the end of the chapter. And the thing that is absolutely the most frustrating to me: I am not the only author of this story. Other things can make changes, too. It's maddening! Sometimes I just want to sit back and say, "No! This is my story! That's not how it's supposed to go!" I've actually tried that before. It didn't work.

Here are a few examples of things that didn't quite go according to the synopsis I had worked up for my autobiography: last year, one of my best friends decided she no longer wanted to be part of my life. Five months ago, I blew up my car engine on the side of the road, wrecking my carefully planned savings budget. And last week, my husband came home jobless. I'm sure this sounds like a very whiny paragraph, but I don't mean it that way. I'm just trying to illustrate some of the ways that I found out I'm not the one in charge of my own story.

So what am I supposed to do about it? I'm trying to craft a beautiful life story but I keep losing control of the pen. There comes a point (that point is now) when I have to realize I'm not supposed to be writing my own story. God is the one writing my story--all of our stories. He's been writing stories since the beginning of time--the Bible--and He's a lot better at it than I am. He is the master of subtle twists, continuous threads, dramatic climaxes and perfect endings. He knows how to use a negative plot element to thrust the glory of the resolution further into the light. How blessed I am to be a character in his literary masterpiece! Because
"God is not the author of confusion, but of peace" (1 Corinthians 14:33, KJV) I can rest assured that He has it under control.

That probably won't stop me from imagining my life as some epic saga, and it definitely won't eliminate my frustration and distress when things don't go my way. I'm only human after all, a human with the curse of pride and the gift of a vivid imagination. But it will certainly remind me when I need it most that I am but a character, a being formed of ink on paper, not the one holding the pen.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Lesson: The Communication Cycle



I've discovered that communication is not my strongest trait. Shocking, I know, from someone who chatters as much as I do. However, I've learned that there is a significant difference between talking and communicating, between acknowledging a problem and solving it.

All my life I've been the kind of person who avoids conflict.  For some reason, I'm scared to death of making other people angry, upset, or even mildly disappointed. Therefore, if something bothers or upsets me, I tend to just let it slide, tuck it down somewhere in my stomach until it dissipates. Depending on the offense, that might take a couple minutes or a few days. In most relationships, I forget about it and people think I'm agreeable, cheerful, or laid-back. In married life, however, it does anything but help me.

Almost every fight that Derrin and I have had has been caused by this issue. He says or does something minor that upsets me, but I try not to acknowledge it, thinking if I let it roll off then it will be fine. I shoot myself in the foot every time! The hurt builds, fueled by misconstrued remarks and gestures. Four hours later, I'm angry and in tears. He sits there stunned by my meltdown, the poor man thinking he married a crazy nutcase (he did).

Here's the kicker: Derrin is profoundly understanding and sensitive to my feelings. If I tell him something hurt me, he will calmly talk about it, tell me how he actually meant to come across, and apologize. He's not always perceptive enough to pick up that I'm upset if I don't tell him. (Really, who is? Women are infamously cryptic and I am no exception.) Yet I remain so paralyzed by my fear of upsetting him that I take a tiny issue and catapult it to new heights. It's not difficult to predict this happening. Proverbs 26:25-26 says, "Though their speech is charming, do not believe them, for seven abominations fill their hearts. Their malice may be concealed by deception, but their wickedness will be exposed in the assembly."

This is probably one of the most important lessons I have to learn, and as luck would have it, one of the most difficult. Without conflict resolution skills I'm setting myself up to spend the majority of my life in tense, hurtful situations. I have to learn to respect myself and my husband enough to recognize issues before they get out of hand.

Everything For a Reason

Life has a lot to teach us. Different stages in life come with unique challenges which yield individual lessons. Sometimes you learn one lesson after another; other times it seems you've learned all you can (it's usually these times that teach you the most).

My last few months have produced no shortage of lessons to learn. Marriage, moving away from home, starting my career, and learning the never-ending horrors of financial planning (or un-planning) have given me plenty of chances to learn things that can help me for the rest of my life.

However, just because they can help me with the rest of my life does not mean I will remember to use them. Some things we learn, we forget too easily. Then we have to learn the same, often painful lesson over and over again. So this blog is an effort not only to share my new found education in the field of life with someone who might profit from it, but also to try to retain my knowledge for as long as possible. I'm reminded of 1 Corinthians 10:11. Paul has just finished giving an account of the miracles and punishments that the Israelites experienced. He says, "Now these things happened to them as an example, and they were written for our instruction, upon whom the ends of the ages have come." If it was a good idea for Paul and the Corinthians, I think it's a good idea for me!

However, my first lesson is this: When you watch your clock creeping up on 4 a.m., it's about time to close the post, the laptop, and then your eyes. Sunrise is in two and a half hours, people!